Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves