If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms