Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

According to math, I’m broke

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*