If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
You Might Also Like
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.