If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
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Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
describing stardew valley
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!