If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.