If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
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I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
birds and squirrels envy us
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink