If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
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me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
this came to me in a vision
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.