if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
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So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder