If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
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Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
accurate
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500