If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
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[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I am HOWLING at this
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I triple waxed for this?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.