If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
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Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not