If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.