If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
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Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon