WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
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Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.