@GraniteDhuine

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

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@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

@geekysteven

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

@samalmightysam

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

@theawkwardful

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

@TheHyyyype

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

@weinerdog4life

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

@jenyb4

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

@pplwtching

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.