If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
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CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
A Short Story.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.