If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
good let them take over I have had enough
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!