If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
R.I.P.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
i wish i could marry a nap
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Ah..makes sense now
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.