If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
When ur friends with white people
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
broke down and did it
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.