If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
You Might Also Like
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.