if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
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Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?