If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
You Might Also Like
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
my nickname in college