if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
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My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”