If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
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Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!