If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
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“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Waiting for the Charmin
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.