If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
You Might Also Like
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter