If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
You Might Also Like
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.