If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
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“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.