if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
You Might Also Like
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.