If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say