If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
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Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Why is everyone getting married at me
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.