If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
You Might Also Like
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture