If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
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– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”