is your name melissa?
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
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Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.