If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total