@SwedishCanary

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

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@murrman5

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

@krishna_van

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

@BirdiePanda

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

@ComicLover_94

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

@frankzulla

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

@

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

@DaveSirus

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

@Alex_LaVallee

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.