If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.