If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
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Best misinterpreted text ever!
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Me when I’m ovulating
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
