@bakwasowski

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

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@funnyordie

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

@SteveDutzy

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

@GroovyTasia

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

@TheCiscoKidder

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

@TheBoydP

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

@FatherWithTwins

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

@DaddyJew

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

@noog

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

@PaperWash

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep