If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
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church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Friday night party time 🥳
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.