If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
liiiiiiiiike
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday