If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
You Might Also Like
This is hilarious….
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
i like to flex on them by shrugging
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.