@cameronesposito

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

You Might Also Like

@ThatDudeF

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

@tweetcomedian

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

@OrangeFact

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

@charstarlene

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

@seamussaid

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

@WilliamAder

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.