“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
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For those that worship cheese..
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
i made a craigslist ad !
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf