@ericonederful

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

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@AngelaBishop

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

@Trisarahjtops

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

@ItsAndyRyan

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

@mostly_cheese

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

@GrantTanaka

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

@budchaos

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

@jctwritesstuff

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

@

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

@2tickytacky

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.