If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

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♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫


Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.


Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.


Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.


Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.


Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.


What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?


I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.


PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood