@ericonederful

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

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@velvettusk

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

@Gre_Gone

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

@badbanana

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

@Cheeseboy22

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

@Drayzze_2

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

@Dawn_M_

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

@Skullcat

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

@XplodingUnicorn

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

@fro_vo

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood