If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
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Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first