If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
You Might Also Like
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
every single time
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?