If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
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date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you