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My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is