Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?