If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
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[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
LOL
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL