If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
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my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.