@MooseAllain

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

You Might Also Like

@Molly_Kats

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

@birbigs

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

@byrdie_num_num

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

@HeatherAntos

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

@panmidwest

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

@girl_a_whirl

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

@MrGeorgeWallace

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

@ShawnIzadi

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.