If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!


“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars


ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school


ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th


[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours


“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe


Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters


5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard


*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*


HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”