Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
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Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.