If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
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There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
idk what he going thru but i feel him
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom