if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
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[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.