if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
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my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Picture the perfect woman.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave