@Cheeseboy22

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

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@AlmightyBored

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

@Tmoney68

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

@PeaceInTruth1

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

@lawyerthoughts

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

@GingerHotDish

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

@_Tempo11

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

@a_simpl_man

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

@AnOrangeSNES

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

@jonmsutton

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay