If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

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What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?


Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.


*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*


Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.


Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.


Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”


After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.


*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.


Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay