@AlmightyBored What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
@Cheeseboy22 If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
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@AlmightyBored 
@Tmoney68 Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
@PeaceInTruth1 *calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
@lawyerthoughts Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
@GingerHotDish Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
@TheTweetOfGod I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
@_Tempo11 Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
@a_simpl_man After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
@AnOrangeSNES *Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
@jonmsutton Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
