If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
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Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same