If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
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a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.