If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?
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Poetry is my passion
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WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I would move hell over six inches for you
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.