If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.