@sumpeoplelikeit

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

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@_jabbathecunt

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

@Playing_Dad

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

@GensPlace

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

@shutupmikeginn

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

@JasonNotEvil

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

@slimmy_shady

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

@Brianhopecomedy

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

@velweb

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.