If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

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Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.


*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here


Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.


The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.


Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.


You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea


I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best


The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?


My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.


My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.