If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!