If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Before & after 😅
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally